Unjolly Old St Nickura
by TwinSanity
Summary: Why should you never take Bakura to the mall? Because he might injure the posing Santa and have to take his place...and he'll mistreat the kids, that's why. Crazy Chrismtas one-shot!


Mena: Hi! Hope you had a Merry Christmas! This is just acute littleChristmas one-shot! No pairings or such, just humor!

Toli: The kind of thing I have no part in, obviously.

Mena: We don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! Please enjoy!

* * *

**BEGIN STORY**

For the third time that day, Ryou felt like banging his head against a wall until he passed out. _It was a VERY bad idea to bring him along, _he thought.

"What do you mean, 'I have to pay'?! I am the mighty Tomb Robber! I don't _pay_ for anything!" Bakura was yelling. Ryou sighed as the bewildered salesclerk eyed him suspiciously. "Well, either you fork over the dough, or none of this stuff is yours," she repeated.

Bakura glared. "I said," he growled, "GIVE--ME--MY--SKITTLES!"

Ryou tugged at Bakura's sleeve. "Let's just go," he said.

"No." Bakura glared at the salesclerk. "I'm not leaving. Not without the Skittles I rightfully deserve!"

The salesclerk glared at him, and with a snort, she turned to Ryou. "I suggest you take your little brother out of here before I have to call security on him--"

"Who are you calling a stupid mortal's _little_ brother?!" Bakura yelled at her. "I am the mighty Tomb Robber! Don't you people _listen_?!"

Ryou tugged Bakura's arm. "Let's just go," he said, dragging Bakura out of the candy store at Domino City Mall.

"But I want my Skittles!" Bakura complained, trying to pull his arm out of Ryou's grip. "Why can't you just let me use the powers of the Ring to send that baka girl to the Shadow--"

"No!" Ryou yelled, continuing to drag Bakura away. "We came here for one thing. A present for Dad. That's all!"

Bakura snatched his arm from Ryou's grip and crossed his arms, grumbling.

"Ho ho ho!"

Ryou and Bakura looked up to see what it was they had heard. A small platform was covered in green silk, and bits of white paper pretending to be snow were in little piles all over it. An untidy line of kids and parents stretched around it, the beginning being watched over by a girl with midnight blue hair and brown eyes in an elf costume. A guy in a Santa suit was sitting in a giant thronelike chair with a loud toddler on his lap. "AND, UM, I WANT A PONY, AND UM, A CADILLAC FOR MOMMY," the toddler was shouting at Santa.

"Who is that freak?" Bakura wondered aloud, still scowling over his lost Skittles.

"That's Santa Claus!" Ryou said. "Remember me telling you about Santa Claus?"

Bakura scratched his head. "Not really," he said promptly.

_And I wonder why, _Ryou thought with a sigh.

_Flashback..._

"_Who is Santa Claus?" Bakura asked._

_"Santa Claus is a jolly man who lives at the North Pole," Ryou began to explain._

_Bakura snorted. "Impossible. Nobody could live somewhere that cold."_

_"He can," Ryou said. "Anyway, on Christmas Eve night, he rides in his sleigh, pulled by flying reindeer, and delivers presents to all the good little children in the world. And if a child has been naughty, he gives them a piece of coal instead."_

_"How can he visit every house in one night?" Bakura asked._

_"He uses magic," Ryou explained._

_Bakura brightened. "Magic? Like Shadow Magic? No way!"_

_"No, that's not--"_

_"Does he have anything to do with Ancient Egypt?" Bakura interrupted. "Has he ever robbed any tombs? Or murdered any Pharaohs?"_

_"Bakura," Ryou said in exhaustion, "he isn't--"_

_"Speaking of murdering Pharaohs, I have a Pharaoh to murder!" Bakura exclaimed. He jumped up. "Excuse me, Ryou. I just thought of a great new idea to put on my 'List Of Ways To Murder The Pharaoh In A Slow And Agonizing Way--In Alphabetical Order'! 'Death by choking on coal'! That can go right under 'Death by ceasing to exist if Yugi is suddenly and unexplainably murdered'!"_

"What is he doing with all those brats?" Bakura asked. "Is he a slave trader or something?"

Rou sighed and rubbed his now throbbing temples. "No, he has each kid sit on his lap, and they tell him what they want for Christmas."

"All at one time?" Bakura asked in disbelief.

"No! One at a time!" Ryou said.

"Oh," Bakura said. "Well, I'd like to tell him what I want for Christmas. I won't disgrace myself by sitting on his lap, but I need to make it clear I want no coal." He was putting on no pretenses of not being naughty.

Ryou tried to stop him. "We don't have time, Bakura; we need to find a good gift for Dad--"

But Bakura was already on his way. The last kid had hopped off of Santa's lap when he made it there, and Santa was about to go on lunchbreak.

"HEY! SANTA!" Bakura roared, to stop the man before he left.

The guy turned. "Huh?"

Bakura suddenly tripped over the green silk that was covering the little platform. The slack decided to wrap itself around Santa's legs and snap him into the air. He fell on top of his throne-chair-thingy and knocked it over.

The elf looked shocked as she hurried over to figure out what was going on.

"Oh no!" Ryou cried as he too ran for the platform.

Bakura was standing over Santa, who was still lying on the floor. "And I want the flamethrower to be a plug-in, so I don't have to steal gas from the local gas station to fuel it. And, oh, it needs to have one of those flaring mouths so that the flames will sweep out like _this_"--he swooped his arms to his sides like he was trying to take horizontal flight--"instead of just shooting out straight. And--"

"Bakura! What do you think you're doing?!" Ryou yelled as he ran up to Bakura.

Bakura turned. "Giving the old guy my list. What's it look like?"

"Oh no! Bob!" the elf cried as she went down on her knees to check on Santa.

Bakura looked confused. "Bob? Mortal, this dude is Santa, isn't he?"

"Uh, like, _no_," the elf said with a sarcastic tone in her voice. "It's just a guy named Jack dressed up to be Santa."

"I thought you said his name was Bob?" Bakura said accusingly.

"Huh?" the elf said. "Oh...yeah...that's right. Anyway," she went on, leaning back over the Santa now exposed as a fake, "are you okay, Joe?"

"I think I broke something!" Bob/Jack/Joe wailed.

"Sounds like an OK to me!" Bakura said. "Now, back to my flamethrower. I want fake flames painted on the tank, to make it look cooler..."

"Look pal," the elf said, standing up and jabbing a finger in Bakura's face, "Dave here's been injured, and it's your fault. He was the only guy who took this job, and he's supposed to be back on the clock in five minutes. You're going to have to take his place."

"Me?!" Bakura exclaimed. "I refuse to pretend to be anyone! I am only the mighty Tomb Robber, and I take great offense that you would even _dare _to ask me--"

"YOU'RE DOING IT!" the elf screamed in Bakura's face. "BECAUSE I KNOW _I_ AIN'T AND WE HAVE NO ONE ELSE! SO GET OVER IT!"

Bakura shrank down underneath her glare. "All right, all right," he mumbled.

"For how long?" Ryou asked the elf.

"Until the shift is over. 3:00 this afternoon."

Ryou checked his watch. 2:02. "Okay then, I'm going to go buy Dad's present, and I'll come back to pick you up at 3:00, Bakura."

"No!" Bakura cried, clinging unashamedly to Ryou's legs. "Don't leave me with this she-devil!"

"You'll be fine," Ryou said. "The worst she can do is torture you unmercifully." He peeled off Bakura's arms and walked away.

"All right, Carl, take off your costume and let Bakura have it," the elf said.

Bob/Jack/Joe/Dave/Carl had already taken off the hat, beard, red coat and pants, and was now in only a white tank top with matching long johns. He handed it to the elf, and she dumped it on Bakura. "Put this stuff on. I won't make you wear the wig because you've already got white hair."

Grumbling, Bakura put the outfit on. The beard was made for a chin much larger than this and so hung around his neck like some wooly necklace, even after the elf wound the string around his head. Then he had to help her rearrange the green silk on the platform.

"Go sit Don somewhere," the elf said. "I'll be right back." She hurried off.

Bakura looked down at Bob/Jack/Joe/Dave/Carl/Don. The guy had fallen asleep, despite the fact that his left leg was now shaped like an E. (**NFM: **Please don't ask!) Unsure what to do with him, Bakura kicked him off and underneath the platform. He then recovered the hole he had shoved the guy in and sat down on the throne-chair-thingy.

_Sitting in this chair makes me feel like the Pharaoh, _Bakura thought, relaxing and putting his hands behind his head. _Ah yes. Pharaoh! Get me a cup of wine!_

_Yes, Master, the Pharaoh said meekly, scurrying off._

_Yugi! Where's Ryou?_

_In the royal fluff room, My Pharaoh, Yugi answered._

_Tell him I want him to stay in there for all eternity and never come out._

_Yugi bowed. Yes, My Pharaoh, he said, running off to do his master and ruler's command._

_Pharaoh Bakura turned to the line of servants waiting for his commands. All of Yugi's stupid friends, the whole Ishtar family plus Odion, and Pegasus and the Kaibas. All of you go do something that will please me. Like, steal me a flamethrower with a flaring mouth._

_Yes, Your Highness, they all said, running outside._

"Hey! WAKE UP!"

Bakura nearly fell out of the throne-chair. The elf was watching him. "WHAT?!" he demanded irritably, unhappy that his pleasant daydream had been interrupted.

"Where's Eric?" the elf asked.

"He...uh...went out to eat," Bakura lied.

"Well, here come the kids," the elf said, pointing. A few kids minus parents were approaching. The first was a rather plump five-year-old that made Santa Bakura go "Oomph!" when he jumped onto his lap.

"All right, brat, what do you want for Christmas?" Santa Bakura grumbled.

"I want a gift certificate to every McDonald's in the whole wild world!" the tubby little boy said eagerly.

"Well, get over it. You're too fat for that. You _need_ to run to the nearest payphone and call Jenny Craig," Santa Bakura told him.

The boy teared up. "Santa, you're mean this year!" He jumped off of Bakura's lap, enabling the tomb robber to expand his legs back to their regular size, and ran off.

The second child was an incredibly tall and skinny seven-year-old. She tried to sit on Bakura's lap and ended up sitting on his head.

The next three kids were triplets that sat on his lap at the same time and told him in unison what they wanted. (**NFM: **Think Delightfuls from Kids Next Door. **NFT: **Oh, come on, that's a stupid reference! **NFM: **Quiet! _I'm _doing this story, not you!)

"I think the three of you are using a mind link to talk like that!" Bakura accused.

The triplets shook their heads. "You are sour this year. We are unhappy with your actions," they said, hopping off his lap and walking away.

The last three kids in the line were all brats that started screaming and crying when Bakura promised them they wouldn't get what they wanted. He sighed, and the oversized hat fell down over his eyes,

The elf's eyes widened when she saw who was next in line. Weren't they a little old? "It's a surprise," the one in front said with a mischievous grin.

Narrowing her eyes, the elf grinned when she realized what they meant. She wouldn't mind; the Bakura freak had been grating on her nerves anyway. "Go right ahead," she said.

Bakura didn't lift his hat when he heard the footsteps stop next to him. He assumed the kid felt too mature to sit in his lap, which was just fine. "What do _you_ want for Christmas, brat?" he demanded.

"A camera, so I can take a picture!" a painfully familiar voice said with amusement. Bakura cringed and pushed up his hat, looking up and hoping against hope it wasn't whom he thought it was.

"I see you've given up your evil ways and taken on a more social job, eh, Tomb Robber?" Yami asked, raising an eyebrow. He had a very pleased grin on his face. Yugi was with him, holding a bag filled with stuff from one of the mall's stores.

"Pharaoh," Bakura spat, glaring as much as he could with the hat trying to slide back down. "How convenient that you would see me a one of the lowest times in my life."

"Actually, Tomb Robber, I think this is _the_ lowest time in your life," Yami said with a smirk. "Smile!" He pulled a disposable camera out of Yugi's bag, lifted it to his eye, and snapped a picture of glaring Santa Bakura before disgruntled tomb-robber-turned-St.-Nick could do anything. "I'm sure the gang would _love_ to see this," Yami said, lowering the camera.

"Let's send a copy to Kaiba, too!" Yugi piped up.

"We can ask him to post it on his website," Yami went on. "Or even better," his eyes glinted like Malik's when he found an unguarded steak knife, "I can use it for blackmail."

"Arrgh!" Bakura jumped up, the loose beard bouncing gaily. "Pharaoh! You won't get away with this! Gimme that camera!"

"Not a chance," Yami assured him, sticking the camera back in Yugi's bag.

"Hey! Santa!" the elf said, coming over. "Sit back down. More kids are going to be coming!"

Bakura glared fiercely at Yami, who seemed not at all perturbed. "I mean it, Pharaoh, gimme that camera!" he yelled.

"Nope," Yami said.

"Sit down!" the elf repeated.

"GIVE IT TO ME!"

"SIT! **_DOWN_**!!!"

Bakura sat down very quickly. Purple lightning had flashed over their heads, and thunder had cracked, when the girl had raised her voice. She nodded in triumph, and then turned to Yugi and Yami. "Santa's got more wishes to grant, kids! It's time to go!"

"Bye, _Santa_," Yami sneered as he and Yugi turned to leave.

"Tell Ryou I said hi!" Yugi added as they walked away.

Bakura noticed a piece of slightly crumpled paper lying where Yugi had been standing. He picked it up ad opened it. There was a list of some of the stores in the mall, and things that Yugi and Yami wanted to get there. Bakura read the list in boredom, and then his eyes lit up. The next to last store on their list would bring them back this way!

Another chance to steal the camera!

"Santa! Sit down! The kids are waiting," the elf said, pointing to he new line of kids. Bakura sat down grumpily, but couldn't help but smirk at the thought of stealing the camera away from the evil Pharaoh and saving his reputation from critical damage.

About thirty minutes later, Bakura was almost fed up to the max. He was _tired _of having these kids sit on his lap and blather in his ear. Couldn't they just go out and steal what they wanted? Instead of ruining his life by making him stay here and listen to them?

"...And I want a pink pony, and a pink bicycle," the girl sitting in his lap with her pinky in her mouth was saying. "And a pink hat, and pink sneakers, and a pink Barbie Fashion Model doll, and a pink..."

Bakura was falling asleep. Then he jerked up suddenly. He saw Yami and Yugi passing by. Neither looked at him; they seemed too absorbed in their purchases.

_All right. Where did the Pharaoh put that camera? _Bakura wondered. Then he remembered: Yami had put it in the bag Yugi was still carrying. He knew it was the one, because it had "Thank You!" written on it in English, Spanish, Japanese, Italian, Swedish, Tagalog, and French.

"...and a pink Switchfoot CD, and a pink replacement for my meanie older brother--"

"Gotta go!" Bakura said, shoving the little girl off his lap and springing to his feet. He started after Yami and Yugi.

"Hey!" the elf yelled as she picked up the pink-addicted girl. "Come back here! It's not 3:00 yet!"

Bakura ignored her as he chased after Yami and Yugi. Neither noticed him until he was right behind them. He saw that Yugi had two more bags that looked like the first one, and he couldn't tell them apart. Growling in frustration, he settled for snatching Yugi up from the ground by his waist and barreling on. Fortunately he had had a lot of practice from snatching Ryou up for whatever reasons the situation had permitted.

"Tomb Robber!" Yami yelled. "Put him down!"

"Yeah, what he said," Yugi said to Bakura.

"Not until you give me that camera!" Bakura told him as he jumped into an empty elevator and pressed the up button.

"What camera?"

"The one with the picture of me in it!"

"Bakura, Yami can't use a camera right. All he got was a close-up shot of his face. He just wanted to fake you out."

Bakura growled. "I can't believe that baka Pharaoh! Wait till I get my hands on him!"

"I just thought of something," Yugi said. "Why does this mall have an elevator? There's only one floor."

There was silence as the two looked up at the "elevator's" ceiling and then back at each other, trying to think up a good answer.

Yami opened the door wider. "Tomb Robber, why did you drag my hikari into a janitor's closet?" he wanted to know.

"I thought it was an elevator!" Bakura exclaimed.

"Bakura?"

Ryou had showed up with a bag just like Yugi's three. "Why are you guys in this janitor's closet?" he asked.

"I thought it was...oh, never mind!" Bakura snipped. He handed Yugi back to Yami and stormed out of the closet. "Wait. If that wasn't an elevator, then why was there an up button in it?"

Yami looked exasperated. "Bakura...that was the button on your own coat you pushed."

"Oh."

"Did you hit your head today or something?" Yugi asked.

Ryou checked his watch. "Bakura, it's 3:00. It's time to go home!" he said.

"YES!" Bakura cheered.

"Want us to walk you guys home?" Yugi offered politely.

"I'm not letting the Pharaoh anywhere near me after that stunt he pulled!" Bakura hissed.

Ryou shrugged. "It's okay, Yugi, we'll walk ourselves home."

"Okay then, see you later!"

* * *

It was 9:08. The elf was closing up the little platform when something underneath it moved.

Bob/Jack/Joe/Dave/Carl/Eric/Don woke up and sat up.

"Dean?" the elf said. "What were ou doing under there?"

Bob/Jack/Joe/Dave/Carl/Jon/Eric/Dean shrugged. "You got me," he said.

**END STORY

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Mena: Wasn't that nice?**

Toli: Depends on how you define "nice". Everyone probably noticed that you put yourself in as the testy elf with control over all purple lightning.

Mena: Oh, come on! It wasn't that weird! _Some_body had to like it! Anyway please review and let us know what you thought!


End file.
